Today I am fourteen weeks pregnant. I have endured fourteen weeks of nausea, vomiting, heartburn, round ligament pain, frustration, hormonal freak outs, unrelenting fear of weight gain, un-supportive friends, sometimes supportive husband, crazy ass psycho family members and I do not possess the kind of patience that my anti-depressant blesses me with normally to cope with any of it. Why? Because I'm pregnant, didn't you just read what I wrote?! OK... climbing down off the hormonal highway...
I knew that in order for you to understand why I seem to be on a rampage to purge people from my life who are not enriching it, but just sucking energy from it, you'd need to get a full picture of my mindset. From my earliest post, you can see that I've cut one dead weight off my ankle, but the secret is... I've got more. As I get older, the more I learn that I'm really not as good at choosing friends as I thought I was. I really figured out how to choose a good man and now have the most wonderful husband a girl could dream of asking for. But as I stare at my friend pool and reflect on my past "best friends" the more I realize that I was the only best friend in the relationship all along.
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where your compromises and your level of understanding and availability has to be leaps above the other person's in order to maintain the friendship? It's exhausting, isn't it? There is nothing like the physical demands of pregnancy to force you to stand up for yourself and cut out those that are draining you of your energy and happiness.
My friends have all been vampires. They don't feed off of blood like the traditional blood-sucking, bat-like, garlic-hating vamps - and its a shame that they don't because that would be so much cooler than what they are. Instead, they feed off of my emotions, my happiness, my intelligence, my talents, my attentions... they feed off of my essence. It gets to where I'm so tired and I don't even know why. I'm sad and on anti-depressants because I have friends who clear me of any joy by loading me down with their burdens.
Here's the hard part - its really hard to distinguish between a good friend and a vampire because they are very deceitful. In my most recent bout with one, years have gone by and I've spent a greater portion of it explaining to everyone that she is just cooky and strange, but that she'd always be there for me no matter what. Come to find out that this just isn't the truth. Not in the least. It's almost like clockwork how she completely left me at this very point in my pregnancy because I am not sitting there with my jaw slack listening to her rewind through her life and scrutinize every painstakingly boring detail as if it were some great art piece at the Louve. And then rewind and do it yet again. And yes... one more time. So, you can see how this can get exhaustive!
I actually have better things to do. Can you imagine that?! I have a real life and I have real issues that I don't need to make up. A year ago she had this issue with one of her students: we are both teachers... at any rate, it was completely inappropriate and I really should have walked away from the friendship at that point. I don't want to be associated with that kind of person. It's sick. And the only reason I let myself be her friend in the beginning is because I thought that she might be able to help me get a job at the school where she teaches. Now that I've been through two years of school with her and can hear what people are saying, I realize that if I get hired by a school, it should be of my own merit and not tied to anyone... especially someone who is seen as unstable by the faculty and administration. She wonders why she isn't given extra duty or why extended day was removed from her... sure some of it was others, but I'm almost positive it's because of her irrational behavior at the end of last year. The last thing that they want to do to someone who sits around crying about everything is give them duties and responsibilities. Ugh...
In the end, I'm sure that she will contact me again and for the only reason that she is my only friend I'll end up talking to her. But I just know that as soon as I can find myself some other friends... I'm sooo done.
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